when you are just born a rebel
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Imma just leave this here…………
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?