Imma just leave this here…………
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Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
adam and eve had first world problems
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
#Caturday
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I hope this email finds you in a well
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.