Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.


Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.


We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.


Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside


When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.


My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.


My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.


“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.