Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”