Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for