@claire_mudie
@BrainFumbles They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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@BrainFumbles 
@UNDEADTRESOR Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
@UNDEADTRESOR We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
@Be___Dope Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
@handsforkeys Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
@joeljeffrey When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
@GlumGeorgeLucas My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
@buitengebieden This took me a few seconds.. 😅
@online_shawn My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
@LizHackett “Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.