Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Cucumbers Anonymous
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie