I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
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Hot Panini is in big trouble
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?