“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.