It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*