SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
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[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
A great tip. #CakeRex
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.