SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
You Might Also Like
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
called in thicc to work this morning
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.