I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.