son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
You Might Also Like
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
a badder mouse
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.