When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Pandas 🐼🖤
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer