8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.