On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Doctors texting each other.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot