The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.