“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*