“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months