“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch