I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.