FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop