“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets


where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore


Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.


Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside


Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.


HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?


My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”



Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back


My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.