Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist