I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Flowers bee like
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.