I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich