Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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😩😩😩
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.