Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks