1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
What number SPF blocks people?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves