My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*limbos away from your hug*