Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion