Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Why soy sad?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.