“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
You Might Also Like
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I have no passwords left in me
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school