Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]