Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Me too door. Me too.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.