I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff