*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
For the orator and chef in all of us
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
bury ourselves
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream