People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
You Might Also Like
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
the three branches of government
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh