I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Do not go gentle into that good night,
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.