[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.