Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Seductively sings in Klingon.
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like