Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

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Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished


Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*


my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it


Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know


my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be


this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds


If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet


HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually


Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight