@7_Cents
@hipchkk Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
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@hipchkk 
@abbycohenwl Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
@ElyKreimendahl my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
@clichedout Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
@dyldonot my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
@WritePlay this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
@patrickmarkryan If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
@panmidwest HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
@English_Channel the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
@Alex_but_online Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight