Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim