“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
🌱🌱🌱
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”