Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
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I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Interior design 👌
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.