me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
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How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.