I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.