@zacharyflynn
@curlycomedy At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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@curlycomedy 
@bourgeoisalien Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
@Swishergirl24 I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
@Erik_Allen “Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
@Parkerlawyer It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
@trevso_electric One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
@LackOfShame 16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
@caseytduncan (Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
@DanMentos Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
@mjkspeaks [Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.