Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?