
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.