Wish the trash would take me out for once.

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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.


Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.


I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.


It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.


One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.


16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.


Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen


[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.