Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.