@_NinJar [museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
@kidphonic I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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@_NinJar 
@david8hughes “I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
@samalmightysam I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
@caseytduncan You deplete me
@WendyLiebman For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
@LoveNLunchmeat If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
@AlyssaDiSalle Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
@david8hughes [describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
@heytherejeffro Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
@VikingBut Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter