[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.