Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
need him
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Bless you
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules