You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently