Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I feel seen.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…