@TheBoydP

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

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@ThoughtOtter

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@bholejuice

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

@MedusaOusa

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

@Proxic0n

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

@jasomnambulism

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@Storminika

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

@robyn_vo

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.