It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
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How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.