I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Real House Wines.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold