“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
They grow up so quick
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?