They grow up so quick
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now