Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.